The Parent-Child Sex Talk

In the already infamous condom episode of South Park, the town decides that sex education is desperately needed in the schools after a number of the kids are caught innocently milking male dogs. As with most South Park episodes, much raunchy humor follows. And also as with most South Park episodes, there's a final moral that ends up being both serious and legitimatein this case the point that sex education needs to be taught not in the schools (or at least not primarily in the schools) but at home. Which is, of course, easier said than done.

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In fact, talking to our children about S-E-X is one of the most difficult talks that many parents will face. That tiny, 3-letter word seems to hold a spell over us and by uttering it to a child we think we are going to hell. Some parents are afraid that if they discuss sex with their child, Child Protective Services will soon be knocking at their door. They think that if they talk sex they are going to be accused of pedophilia or being weird. Others feel that if they teach their child about sex and birth control they are advocating promiscuity. Some of us are so damn uptight that we just hope that the schools will do a good job of teaching sex or our kids will see other kids getting pregnant or an STD and decide on their own to wait. A wise, responsible parent will equip their child with the knowledge that will help and protect the child should they become sexually active. Each year roughly two million children are born to unmarried parents in the United States alone. If you don't want your child to be one of these parents or you are not ready to be one of the grandparents, you better get with the program and start talking about sex. Hopefully you will start at an early age and keep right on talking even after you have the kids married off.

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When children are young we talk to them using terminology that they can understand but do not hide the obvious or the truth. If they see a couple of dogs hooking up you explain that the dogs are making babies. We can read toddlers and small children books that are written at their level. When you see your children touching themselves you need to let them know that it is okay to touch it but to do so someplace private. And you want to make sure that a small child understands that their private area is not to be touched by others and that if someone tries to or does, they need to tell you right away and that you will not be mad at them.

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During all sex talks turn off the television, radio and cell phone. Turn on the telephone answering machine and select a time when you are less likely to be disturbed by someone coming to the door. Make the talks special and, if you have more than one kid, don't try to save time by having them all at once. While it is okay for older children to be in on the conversation with the younger children, the opposite is not advised. When a 13-year-old boy sees that his 10-year-old sister is getting hairy armpits and the only hair he has is on his head, he feels that something horrible must be wrong. So have two separate talks. Reassure your son he's not a monster, and tell your daughter about menstruation so that when she experiences that first flow she won't think she's bleeding to death. I would suggest purchasing a good book on puberty and not just give it to them but also first read it yourself and then together and answer any questions they may have. Books like this can be found in bookstores or at educational websites like Ask Uncle Terry.

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By the age of 13 you should be talking about birth control and masturbation. Let your child know that masturbation is something most all of us practice and it is normal. Tell him about precum and semen so that the first time your son has an orgasm he will not think that he broke something. Put lotion and tissue in your son's room for those runny noses and to keep his hands soft. This will not embarrass him and it will help you with the cleanup. But there are other times, of course, when a topic has to be addressed directly.

When these times come up you can't be afraid to explore the topic candidly. Remember you are the parent, so be strong and stay the course and, if necessary, demand that your children do, too. Take control, be open, have a dialogue and have them tell you what they have learned from school, their friends or on their own. Answer their questions fully without sugar coating. Discuss masturbation, sexual safety, STDs and protection. Remember that diseases like AIDS and hepatitis can be deadly, making the use of condoms mandatory.

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Oral sex has become a prevalent form of sex among our children, so discuss it openly and remind them that while they will not become pregnant through oral or anal intercourse they can still get a sexually transferred disease. Answer their questions about oral sex and anything else is one way of showing that you are always there for them. Make it perfectly clear that they need to wait until adulthood before becoming sexually active, but if they do make the plunge earlier don't turn your back on them or refuse to answer questions about condoms or birth control. It may make you feel uncomfortable, but that's the price that you need to be willing to pay for knowing you are doing your best to protect your tween and teen children from raising children of their own.

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For parents that needs a little refresher course on abstinence, sex and masturbation, check out http://www.askuncleterry.com

Terrance Lile (Uncle Terry) is not your typical writer and advisor on sexual relationships. He serves frank, down to earth, sometimes brutal advice on sex and life. He uses humor and knowledge gained through extensive reading and personal experience. He has the support of advisors from medical and mental professionals to educators and clergy and pornographers to prostitutes. Uncle Terry can be found at http://www.askuncleterry.com

Dogs Nature

Dog Training - A Dog's Nature

Dogs are surprisingly complex creatures.

Some official estimates of the number of breeds reaches as high as 800 in Western countries alone. Even given that distinguishing one breed from another can be carried to absurd extremes, the variety is astonishing from a human perspective, who have, perhaps, a dozen 'breeds'.

Complicating the picture still further is the well-known fact that dogs have descended from wolves but began domestic interaction with humans over 10,000 years ago. As a consequence, there are behaviours that develop regardless of circumstances and some that are as unique as the human the dog is paired with. Still, some common traits stand out.

Dogs are predators.

That doesn't mean they necessarily hunt and attack every passing cat or rat, but the capacity is always in them. With acute hearing and head muscles that allow precise orientation of their ears, dogs can pick up a range of sounds and locate the source quickly and with high accuracy.

A dog's field of vision is higher than that of humans. Their field of view has been estimated from 180-270 degrees, by comparison to a human's 100-150 degrees, allowing them to track events better.

And, of course, there's that famous sense of smell. Citing figures such as having 25 times as many scent-receptor cells or being able to sense concentrations 100 million times smaller than humans conveys the fact one way.

Another is to report behaviour. Golden Retrievers, for example, can smell gophers through two feet of packed snow and a foot of frozen earth. And, they'll dig through it to get to the gopher. That's predatory behaviour.

Dogs are social animals.

That's common knowledge, of course. But, though known, it's often ignored. Individuals will often lock a lone dog away in a garage or pen, or on a rope in the yard for long periods. This isolation from contact with humans and other animals invariably leads to fear and/or aggression and other forms of maladjustment. Dogs need companionship in order to develop healthy behaviour.

Isolating a dog for brief periods can be a useful training technique. Fear of expulsion from the pack can incense overly assertive, alpha-status seeking dogs into alignment with the trainer's goals. In any human-dog pair, the human must be the alpha (leader). The alternative is property destruction, human frustration and unsafe conditions for people and dogs.

But excessive time devoid of social interaction with another dog, the human, or even a friendly cat harms the dog's psychology and leads to unwanted behaviour. Even guard dogs have to be able to distinguish between external 'threats' and members of its own 'pack'.

Dogs are exploratory.

Like the two-year-old humans at roughly their same mental level, dogs learn by exploring their environment. And like those humans, they can engage in destructive behaviour. Dogs are no respecters of property. Training and an appropriately selected set of objects and suitable area can channel that behaviour into something acceptable to humans and healthy for the dog.

Providing toys with characteristics very distinct from human property, such as rawhide bones rather than rubber balls that are hard to tell from children's, leads to less confusion and misbehaviour. In many cases, however, the problem is solved by scent. The dog's toys may look like the child's, but smell very different.

Some amount of digging may be inevitable as part of the dog's exploration. Be prepared to patch holes in lawn if the dog is unsupervised for very long. Plants can usually be protected with cayenne pepper paste, bitter apple and other preparations.

Dogs are scavengers

Dogs will eat deer droppings, even when they have perfectly sound and ample diets. They'll chew on dead rats, eat grass and ingest a wide variety of things that their own experience shows causes upset stomachs. And they'll repeat the behaviour day after day.

Acknowledging their limited ability to connect cause and effect when those are separated in time is a must in order to keep them healthy and safe.

Recognizing a dog's nature, and working within in it rather than against it leads to less frustration for both human and dog. Enjoying the beneficial aspects, such as spontaneous dog hugs (leaning into a leg), paw offering and a head laid on the lap are just a few of the rewards.

Valerie Dancer - I have owned dogs for 42 years. Learning to train from my mother who trained to county level. Over the years I have found that the old ways of training are not always the best, that praise is the best form of training, and the younger the dog, the easier it is to train. http://www.dogtrainingproblems.biz.